Fuck your mindfuck.
Every time I think of writing this newsletter - from the first thought to the taking action it takes weeks. Weeks of putting it daily on my to do list. But then not prioritizing writing and creativity and taking the time because of admin. Because of perfectionism. Because I make it so hard and school-like that it's not fun anymore. So I wonder, how can I make it more fun? What's the intention?
It's connecting with you all! It's sharing my stories, insights...so much is happening and I kinda stopped sharing as vulnerable as I was used to. This has various reasons. One of them is that I don't like if people project their shit on me or give me tips - unless I ask. Most people don't listen. They just react based on their own experiences - so they're actually not with you present but deep in their own past story and trauma. Another reason is that my family is reading my stuff too and I'm already bringing up so many triggers and old deep pain that I feel like I don't want to be too hard. Also I of course have the tendency to want to be the perfect space holder.
But I'm not.
I try to be perfect when I date someone.
I try to be perfect when I'm holding ceremonies.
I try to be perfect when assisting the Yin Culture Trainings.
I try to be perfect at home.
Mastering all my roles - the thousands I have while working for mySelf and then as lover, daughter, friend, grandaughter, niece, aunt, godmother, sister, cousin, neighbour, assistant, yoga teacher, space holder... and and and. We all got many hats.
And of course I don't try all the time. But I do mostly when I feel vulnerable. Or when I feel guilty for what I feel. Or when I feel like too much. Or not enough.
So much mindfuck!
How to end it?
I sit with cacao.
I go for a walk.
I share it with my friends.
I remember that those people actually know me when I feel my lowest and highest.
And it's healing to be all.
To be fiery. To be triggered. To be freaking fucking emotional. To be sad. To be super loving. To be caring. To be angry. To be crying. To be laughing. To be doubting. To be creating.
All those aspects. Someone wise said to me that there are no shadows. Only absence of light. And that the focus be on checking in with the INTENTION.
So I drink cacao and I pray to Amma to come back to my heart. And trust in the Universe and the Divine and that all is absolutely coming in the perfect size, measure and so on.
That we're fine.
There is nothing to be worrying.
Remembering we are not alone
And also that we are not separate
Remember...you are the tree, the flower, the lover...
Leaving Zurich next week..It's time for India - applied for a one year visum and my intention is to have my base there. To travel less crazy and be more with people I care about.
(this is a 1,5 ys old article)