I woke up this morning feeling like I don’t know where I am and as if I just came backt to my senses with this crazy realization:
There is an area in my life where I value other peoples opinion, views and experience - even if trusted and close to my heart - more than my own.
No matter through what you're going through right now:
Get help if you need and do what nourishes your body, mind, heart and soul.
Even if it means to release people, make stronger boundaries and take more time off in nature and OFF social-media for a day, week, month...
Trusting others more than myself - this leads to me completely giving away my power by asking other people to tune into a situation before I have done it myself and figured out what is the truth in here for me and just me.
We all can be very independent in one are of our life and completely insecure in another and as soon as someone projects their past story and doubts on to it, we completely loose ourselves into that.
I’ve listened to this podcast episode by mega babe Sefora and one sentence hit me:
“Forgiving is emptying the heart from grief”
Wow.
This is a powerful one.
Because I am realizing now that when it comes to my love life, I have so little trust and still hold on to a lot of grief in my heart, which makes me seek a lot of advice in the outside, that then clouds my mind and gets me in survival mode, trying to control a situation and find all the proofs that will support this fear-based reality.
And as I came back into my body, my heart, what I feel… I realized this is a way I am giving my power away. I don’t trust my intuition when it comes to love because there was always some kinda of dishonesty and betrayal part of it - even in the moments I thought I can trust, which somehow really fucked with my system.
But… for how much longer do I want this to direct my life?
This to be the base of how I make choices when it comes to love, connection, belonging and any kind of relationship but especially romantic?
As I listen more to the advice of my friends and family - and no matter how well their intention is - they’ll still hear and see everything through their filter of personal experience than the complete truth, I give my power away, because who will know better and clearer than the person and I that are actually involved?
The more I am insecure and not stable, grounded in my truth and heart, the more I will be shaken by anything that comes from the outside - and this can be applied to any situation in life.
I remember not telling anyone about my crazy idea 5,5 years ago to leave Switzerland within 6 months with a one-way-ticket, sell all my stuff and just see what will happen without a plan of ever returning back because I had my own doubts, insecurities and fears BUT I could deal with those as long as I focus on my intention and that this call from the heart was stronger than the doubtful voice inside me.
But as soon as you start seeking that in the outside, you have a 50/50 chance of feeling empowered or disempowered.
I like how often my teachers told me that they do not know what I feel because they are not in my body and I try to implement this too when people that I know from ceremonies ask me something. And I will add this to my personal life and inner circle too.
Who else will know, if I don’t know?
And what is the reality I want to experience my life through?
I am tired of the old stories - I choose per today a new one and will open myself to a new experience. This will require trust but I got the tools that help me to keep my mind clear and the heart open (yin journeys, meditaton, cacao, forest walks, writing).
It’s great to have honest friends but also it’s great to be your own honest friend and listen to yourself first before anyone else.
Once we realize such patterns, we can always re-programm them. It might not be easy and can bring up a lot of old pain but imagine the freedom that comes from not constantly having those in the back of your mind, paralyzing your nervous system and making you feel you are in danger even if you’re not, directing your life choices…
For me personally it feels sad, for my heart, when I see what chaos I am able to create because I am in panik mood. Life is about creation or destruction - Guru Jagat always says that and it really feels like we either do one or the other.
When we are in fear and our systems operate from a state of emergency, there is things we don’t consider and really fail to recognise - physically, mentally, emotionally and energetically.
How can I feel more safe in my own body?
I felt so restless on Monday - and this isn’t anyones fault - this was just my nervous system responding in a way I couldn’t handle because things came up that I haven’t digested yet. I felt some signs of the panik attacks that I’ve been having last year.
Last year was a very dark year for me. I was thinking a lot about death and what makes life worthy to live. And I feel holding space in ceremonies took me out of my own mind for a moment, at least feeling for a bit like there is more magic, beauty and purpose out there. There is still light, we can still feel joy, we can have fun…
This constant “red flag hunting” - like every single person carries some shit, even you, me, your bestie, your grandma, mum, dad, neigbhour, teacher, psychotherapist….
All of use have experienced things that have been traumatic to our systems making us believe that there just one reality available for us in certain scenarios.
But it isn’t fully true. It defenitely was true at that moment and there was probably no one that could help us move through that pain. But we gotta hold ourselves.
Create safety within and appreciate - even if very hard and intense - these is something that is being revelead so we can evolve as human beings, doing more good and less harm to ourselves, others and the humanity and planet collectivly.
Aren’t you sometimes also thinking that we’re all wounded children walking in an “adult suit” projecting our pain into the world and make fear and lack mindset driven choices?
What is it that we need to do to nourish our systems more? Our minds? Our physical bodies? Our emotions? Our heart and spirit?
What is it that you needed as child that has not been given to you? What does safety mean to you? And what did you learn about how safe and not safe feels, looks and represents itself in your life?
No one should be in harmful situations - no one deserves to be in constant pain, fear, anxiety. So if you’re in a situation like this, if you can, seek help. Especially in the more privilidged parts of this planet.
All can change in life - from surviving to thriving.
And we’re all going to have low moments and choose the fear based path from time to time to confirm our pain driven reality.
But we also got the chance to flip that reality. To remove that filter and lense we see life through and exchange for something more healthy, nourishing and wholesome.
It might even feel dangerous at the beginning to do this - almost too risky - but then… are we going to protect, defend and fight something our whole life? Especially the same thing again and again?
Or can we release it and embrace a new reality? Take the time to discover it? Why do we always have to rush from A to Z without considering all the steps in between? Honouring the path? Our hearts?
It takes courage to face your fears and pain and choose something new instead. It takes a lot of patience. It takes vulnerability. It takes clarity. It takes love, kindness, compassion and forgiveness.
“Forgiving means emptying the heart from grief.”
I am ready to empty my heart from grief.